Episode 44 Going Back… Back… Back… to the Big Box Store

Thanks for Hitting Play and then listening to Hit Play. This episode: rains, fires, oceans, Costco! 

Some of the plays in this episode may contain sensitive topics. For more specific content warnings, check out the timecodes below.

If you like what you hear and want to support the New York Neo-Futurists, subscribe to the show, consider making a donation at nynf.org, and join our Patreon. Patreon membership gives you access to bonus content like video plays! We’d really appreciate any support in these difficult times. Contributing to our Patreon helps us continue to pay our artists. 

Take care of yourself, learn your favorite song backwards, and share it with us on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.

2:25 [CW: death] - Going Back part three: The Weather by Rob Neill featuring Sylvia and Liam Boyle

5:34 [CW: death, gender] - An open letter to anyone thinking about throwing a Gender Reveal party by Shelton Lindsay

9:40 - Shelton's imagination of Poseidon's press conference after coming out as a Biden supporter at The Battle of Lake Travis 2020 by Shelton Lindsay featuring Rob Neill, Topher Lin, Léah Miller, Anthony Sertel Dean, and Julia Melfi

13:45 - Paean to a Certain Sort of Parsimony (The Land of Milk and Honey! It’s Here! It Calls! Heed Me Now!) by Topher Lin featuring Willie Caldwell on lead guitar, and additional vocals by Anna McFall, Bess Boever, and Ben Savitzky, with production by Anthony Sertel Dean.

Our logo was designed by Shelton Lindsay

Our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean

Hit Play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean, Julia Melfi, and Léah Miller

Take care!

Transcript 

Episode 44 Going Back… Back… Back… to the Big Box Store

Show Intro

Chill electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Julia: 44. Going Back… Back… Back… to the Big Box Store. Hi, I’m Julia Melfi—a New York Neo-Futurist. While our on-going, ever-changing, late-night show, The Infinite Wrench, is on hold for the foreseeable future, we wanted a place to keep making art for you. And so we made this podcast!  

If you’re already a fan of The New York Neo-Futurists, or any of our sibling companies, hello! We can’t wait to sneeze all over you. If this is totally new to you—welcome to it!

We play by four rules: We are who we are, we’re doing what we’re doing, we are where we are, and the time is now. Simply put: we tell stories, and those stories are our own. Everything that you hear is actually happening. So if we tell you we are about to open a bottle of wine after a long day of work, we are really opening a bottle of wine after a long day of work. Like I am right now. 

Sound of wine opening Cork pop! Wine pours. Julia takes a sip.

Delicious. 

Some of the plays in this episode may contain sensitive topics. For more specific content warnings, check the timecodes in the show notes.

Julia: And now, Shelton will Run the Numbers!

Shelton: Helloooo, I’m Shelton, a New York Neo-Futurist, living upstate. 

In this episode we’re bringing 4 plays! The first is by Rob Neill featuring Sylvia and Liam Boyle. The second is by me, that's Shelton Lindsay. The third is also by me, but this one features Rob Neill, Topher Lin, Léah Miller, Anthony Sertel Dean, and Julia Melfi. That was weird. And the last one is by San Francisco Neo-Futurist Topher Lin, featuring Willie Caldwell, Anna McFall, Bess Boever, and Ben Savitzky. 

That brings us to a very titillating and exciting 169 audio experiments on Hit Play. Enjoy!

Music winds down.

Play 1: Going Back part three: The Weather (2:25)

Rob: Going Back part three: The Weather. GO!

Sound of Rob breathing in and out. Audio effect on his voice, and background noise/music. Sound of rain. Sometimes the text overlaps and is less intelligible.

Rob: I'm pretty sure we can't go back, like this (come on) to that by car (say it again) or foot or bus (say it) or bike or truck (scooter). But that's okay. We shouldn't really want to. (Come on) No. Not even. No. We can't just start again, like (you could go back) nothing happened (you can forget) (the beach) sure but that's different. (The mountains). Whew. (That little restaurant) When I say start again, who do you think of? What time do you think of? What times have you forgotten? There's so many times flowing through us right now, I'm not even certain when I am. Or you are. (Come on) These rains these days. 

Text overlapping 

Kid 1: I like listening to the sound of rain

Kid 1: I like rain. 

Rob: Here we go

Kid 1: I like rain cause you can hear the pitter-patter on the roof. 

Kid 2: I like rain. It's very calming and it's fun to just listen to the rain and be in the moment. And it's important too. 

Kid 1: And you can hear the thunder and the lightning and afterward you can jump around in the puddles that it makes. 

Kid 2: I mean, we couldn't eat or drink or anything like that without rain. We'd be dead. 

Rob: How about the weather?

Kid 2: And you can see little drops of water 

Rob: No matter what everyone has weather. 

Kid 2: on the flowers and on the grass and I just think that looks so cool. 

Rob: When is the next sunrise for you? What makes you believe that it will rise, shine again? 

Distorted Rob: Sorry I ate all the ice cream.

Rob: is who you are 

Distorted Rob: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 

Rob: You can make mistakes 

Distorted Rob: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 

Rob: But let's hope we don't make the same mistakes again together. (Here we go) Right?

Text overlapping

Kid 2: Sunsets are so pretty. They're one of the most beautiful things on this planet. 

Kid 1: They're so pretty. They're full of vibrant colors and you know that a new day is coming soon

Rob: It's not certain is it?

Kid 2: If you want--just like, look at my window in the evening and see like a whole host of colors in the sky. 

Rob: So many unknowns 

Kid 2: Like you can get--Sometimes there's red, violet, blue, orange, and a million other colors. It's pretty. 

Kid 1: And you are just thinking that it's gonna be a great day and you can reflect on what you've done and it's just so beautiful to watch. 

Rob: (Breathes) Well. Here we go. 

Music plays out 

Play 2: An open letter to anyone thinking about throwing (5:34)

Shelton: An open letter to anyone thinking about throwing a Gender Reveal party. GO!

Swoopy music underscore

Shelton: Hello potential future parent! How are you doing? You must be so excited to welcome the miracle of life to your family. I’m excited for you, kids seem awesome. Okay some of them seem awesome and others just seem to be hormonal basketcases ricocheting off the walls of life’s inescapable prisons of self, much like I do. but ANYWAY

Now, I know, why is a 33 year old radical queer who’s not gonna have kids because the world is quite literally on fire and he’s not interested in creating more life only to cry as he watches it be unable to survive and thrive as we mindlessly kill each other with unnecessary wars, consumption, the fashion industry and of course our planet wide desire to consume and destroy quite literally all of our natural resources, writing you a letter?!  

Well I just thought I could share with you some fab wisdom on how to throw a gender reveal party and Here’s the T--Skip the Party, I already know your Baby’s gender. It’s (scary voice) rage. 

Yes rage. Rage at us for our actions. Don’t believe me? Here are just a few fab rage reveal parties thrown in the US in recent years. 

Right now, in California the El Dorado fire has presently destroyed 7,000 acres and was started by a gender reveal smoke-generating pyro-technical device. Rage incarnate. 

In Iowa in 2019 a woman was killed when a gender reveal explosion was in fact far too explosive, as her friends and family inadvertently built a literal pipe bomb. Oops! Rage reveal again. 

Back in 2017 47,000 acres in Arizona burned when an off duty US border patrol agent shot a target, rigged with explosives, with a high-powered rifle, at his child's rage reveal.  I mean THAT'S AN INVENTIVE WAY TO PATROL THE BORDER, BURN IT DOWN. Or! Was it just another rage reveal.

And of course, a special mention to the literal plane that crashed in texas carrying over 3 thousand tons of water dyed pink. Really wish that plane was here today to help us put out these fires. 

Anyway these are just a few of the literal life-ending gender reveal events that have been thrown in America since Jenna birthed this event, something even she regrets doing. But as the dust and debris clear from gender explosions, they are missing the truth. Your child's gender is not contained inside a pigment, it’s the raw explosive energy like a scream, yelling at the world to stop this inevitable death march to our own planet wide genocide. Your child's gender is rage, but I hold every hope they will be stewards of this earth, saviours of people, champions of diversity, who grow into beautiful complex humans, but hear their screams and give them life not expectations. Allow expressions, teach your child to love unconditionally, and stop burning down the world in your rush to create an insurmountable number of expectations for your yet-unborn-child to adhere to. 

Anyway. If you have any more questions you can always email me at shelton@nynf.org. I’m totally here to help support you in raising a person who's empowered to make their own decisions about their body, while also hopefully stopping you from burning our country to the ground.

Have a great day!

Fondly, 

Shelton 

Play 3: Shelton’s imagination of Poseidon (9:40)

Shelton: Shelton’s imagination of Poseidon’s press conference after coming out as a Biden supporter at The Battle of Lake Travis 2020. Featuring Rob as Poseidon king of the seas with a baritone overlay and some real deep resentment at having to get involved in human affairs. Julia as Orchéstra the orca whale and fiery reporter for Current affairs. Anthony as Leon the Sea Lion, a dapper yet overly energetic reporter for Sealacious New Tonight. Léah as Gwen the Penguin for the Pen Pals Playpen Performance Poetry Periodical for Hens, Kens, and Daily Wave Brethren. Real sounds of animals as part of the mood! And introducing Topher as the Polar Bear for the Halibut daily. GO!

Noises of animals and Neos saying Poseidon! Poseidon!

Rob (with vocal distortion): Hello hello I’m sure you have a lot of questions. It is in fact not customary for a fictive mythological god to mettle in human politics but these are exceptional times. I, Poseidon, ha, king of the seas, am announcing that yes, I am publicly endorsing Joe Biden for president. Questions? Questions? Yeah--uhhh, yes Orchestra?

Julia : And why is that?

Rob (with vocal distortion): Well Trump's a tool, but also after he signed an executive order on June 5th to allow commercial fishing in the Northeast Canyons and Seamounts Marine National Monument in Maine--a 5,000 mile area that includes a coral reef and is a much needed protected habitat for the Sperm Whale, I decided it was time to vocally come out for Biden and assist in the sinking of the ships at the Lake Travis campaign boat regatta. 

Julia: Wow I didn’t hear about that transgression against our natural resources. 

Rob (with vocal distortion): Well, possibly because a federal lawsuit was filed because Trump's order was in fact not legal. 

Noise of animals begging to ask a question

Yes, yes?

Anthony: Regarding the regatta, why did you sink them?

Rob (with vocal distortion): I thought a sinking ship was an apt metaphor for both America as a whole but also more specifically the Republican Party. 

Léah: And just how did you sink them, did you summon a storm, or pierce the hulls with your tridents? 

Rob (with vocal distortion): Oh ho ho! I actually did nothing of the sort. I just coaxed richer boaters, with bigger boats to drive both too close and too fast to their poorer fellow Trump supporters so that their waves from their boats would inundate the smaller boats and sink them.

Léah: Wow that too seems like a metaphor.

Rob (with vocal distortion): Haha. Yes, the rich care literally nothing for the poor, on both sides of the political divide, but specifically on the right. 

Julia: gives new meaning to trickle down economics. 

Rob laughs like Poseidon (sounds like a dolphin)

Topher: and what are your plans for the sunken boats?

Rob (with vocal distortion): to leave them as testaments to human hubris. 

Topher: all five of them?

Rob: Well as of now the humans have successfully pulled 3 of the boats from the water. but no worry, even if they reclaim all 5, my point has been made. Plus if they elect Trump again, pretty soon, as punishment for their actions I will take their cities, literally, all of their coastal cities, and sink those so deep they will never be habitable again. You ever heard of Atlantis? No further questions. 

Cacophony of animal noises 

Rob (with vocal distortion): Biden harris 2020. Poseidon out. 

Animal noises fade. 

Play 4: Paean to a Certain Sort of Parsimony (13:45)

Topher: Paean to a Certain Sort of Parsimony (The Land of Milk and Honey! It’s Here! It Calls! Heed Me Now!) GO!

Groovy guitar begins. This is an epic song. Musical underscore under the speak-singing. 

Topher: It starts in the parking lot

You swing your minivan ‘cross the big white arrow

The human throng surrounds you

Staggering under the bleached white sun

And you think to yourself

“I’m one of you now.”

So much to optimize already

Do I wanna park now and save a little gas

Or do I see if I can get a spot close to the entrance

Mm yeah, so sweet a spot

Oh shit, that car is pulling out

Let’s get over there—quick! Quick quick quick quick quick

Alright, we’re in place, here we gooooooo

Dammit

There was a car already waiting

And there’s a code to the parking lot

You can’t just be jumping the line, that’s disrespectful

We live on a razor’s edge out here, between order and chaos

And one misstep could bring it all down

Out here at the

Music drops out for choral interlude

Backup singers: Costco! Costco!

Groovy guitar is back and Topher is speak-singing

Topher: You settle for a farther spot

You need the exercise anyway

You heave out of the car out onto the pavement

Snap that mask on as you skirt the haggard masses

Grab a cart

Fumble in your wallet as you approach the roiling gates

Sung chorus

You’re a Gold Member

You're so pretty with your card

You’ve got family values

And your savings will take you far

What deals has Daddy Kirkland got for us on this fine day?

What deals has Daddy Kirkland got to sate us here at -- 

Music drops out for choral interlude

Backup singers: Costco! Costco!

Kirkland! Daddy Kirkland!

Slow guitar riff. Builds with bass. Then percussion adds in as the tempo speeds up. Frantic rhythm now with frantic speak-singing

Topher: Four pound tub of yogurt

Mixed unsalted nuts

Wild farmed salmon

Organic cold cuts

Power leather sofa

4K TV screen

Photochromic glasses

At prices so obsceeene!

Guitar solo with frantic percussion! 

Music drops out for choral interlude, this one with warped chords

Backup singers: Costco! Costco! Daddy! In your name we pray!

Choral vocalizing on an "ahh"

Back to groovy guitar and speak-singing 

Topher: You choose your checkout aisle

With an eye to which bagger is fastest

Maybe you get a hot dog on your way out the door

Hebrew National

Or maybe you resist the urge (good for you!)

You walk into that bleached white sun

Where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth

It could be dangerous

But you know you’re safe

Armed with your cartful of

Guitar plays out, shakers rattle and fade out

Milk and honey

Show Outro

Groovy electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Julia: Thanks for Hitting Play and then listening to Hit Play. If you liked what you heard, subscribe to the show and tell a friend! If you want to support the New York Neo-Futurists in other ways, consider making a donation at nynf.org, or by joining our Patreon– Patreon.com/NYNF. Patreon membership gives you access to bonus content like video plays and livestreams. And if this episode gets over 1,000 downloads, we'll order one of our Patreon supporters a pizza on us. We’d really appreciate any support in these difficult times. Contributing to our Patreon helps us continue to pay our artists. 

Take care of yourself, learn your favorite song backwards, and share it with us on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.

This episode featured work by: Rob Neill featuring Sylvia and Liam Boyle; Shelton Lindsay; Shelton Lindsay, featuring Rob Neill, Topher Lin, Léah Miller, Anthony Sertel Dean, and Julia Melfi. And Topher Lin, featuring fellow SF Neo-Futurist Willie Caldwell on lead guitar, and additional vocals by Anna McFall, Bess Boever, and Ben Savitzky, with production by Anthony Sertel Dean. Our logo was designed by Shelton Lindsay. And our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean. Hit Play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean, Léah Miller, and me, Julia Melfi. Take Care!

Music plays out!