Transcript

Show Intro

Groovy electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Shelton: Episode 59. Clickhole. Hi, I’m Shelton Linsday- a New York Neo-Futurist. While we’re slowly bringing our on-going, ever-changing, late-night show, The Infinite Wrench, back to the stage, we wanted to continue making art just for your ears! And so Hit Play continues. 

If you’re already a fan of The New York Neo-Futurists, or any of our sibling companies, hello! We can’t wait to give you a big old hug. If this is totally new to you—welcome to it!

And here’s what we do: We Neo-futurists make art by four rules: We are who we are, we’re doing what we’re doing, we are where we are, and the time is now. Simply put that means we tell stories, and those stories are our own and that everything that you hear is actually happening or actually happened or is like a real opinion about something. So if we tell you that we are sitting in a mostly empty room naked after having taken a shower, that’s exactly what we’re doing! Like I am right now. 

Some of the work in this episode may contain sensitive topics. For more specific content warnings, check out the timecodes in the show notes.

Shelton: And now, Mike Puckett will Run the Numbers!

Mike: Hi, I’m Mike, I’m one of the New York Neo-Futurists. 

This week’s cast list is Rob Neill, Shelton Lindsay, Greg Lakan and me, Mike Puckett. In this episode we brought you 5 brand new plays.

Which brings us to a grand total of 250  audio experiments on Hit Play. Enjoy!

Music winds down.

Play 1.1: Targeted Advertising (1:55)

Click of a button being pushed followed by a 2 beeps signaling recording start;

Mike: You’d still be unhappy even without the pandemic. Numb the pain the way you always have: McDonald’s.

Two brief recording tones followed by the sound of a reel rewinding. 

Play 2: On hearing that top … (2:08)

Rob: On hearing that top climate scientists released a landmark report on climate change. GO!

Rob’s singing voice layered in several pitches: 

We did this…

We did this…

We did this…

We did this…

We did this…

We diiiiiiiiid thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis

Rob (exhales): fuuuuu

Rob inhales 

Play 1.2: Targeted Advertising (2:40)

Click of a button being pushed followed by a 2 beeps signaling recording start;

Mike: You ever wonder what it would be like if milk was obnoxious? Us too. Oatly.

Two brief recording tones followed by the sound of a reel rewinding. 

Play 3: scrolling through writers block (2:53)

Shelton: scrolling through writer’s block GO!

Ethereal tones pulsate gently under the text throughout the play.

Shelton:There are so many things I want to say. To you. Not you. The person listening, but “you”, (i just did air quotes,) the person I wish I was speaking to. I know. I’m sorry. It feels rude to use you as him and speak to you, but I don’t have a therapist right now, I mean if you, yes you, the one listening want to help me afford one feel free to venmo @shelton_whimsy, that’s me, but for right now, you are standing in for him and I need you to hear me. 

Shelton inhales thrice in quick succession. He speaks the next lines breathy and close to the microphone. 

Wait what exactly do I want you to hear YES. I was gonna write something sharp and forceful and packed with raw emotions like each one of my thoughts was a passenger on a plane, in pre pandemic times, flying to a spring break party in cancun. WOOOO Spring break, flash flash flashing bodies, missing bodies, body ody odities, bodies are so odd. 

why not call him, you ask me. Why give me these words when it is him you want to hear you, you ask rightfully, or so I imagine you would if you were with me, but you can ask and I can’t tell him. Not anymore. he’s not dead. Heavens no. it's just I’ve blocked him. On all the socials. Still have his number, but i’ve got more restraint than that, don’t i?

Shelton speaks in full voice again

See this is why you must be him to me. I need practice, or focus, or vision, but not wandavision, though i could be a witch dating a sentient computer, no Stop. No more Texts to an ex at two am drunk. No insta stories sent to me by that hunk, no more late nights sucking out his spunk, which is really why I'm in this funk, cuz he left me and now I’m a monk. 

The next lines repeat and overlap, like a round.

Oh Rhymes! I like rhymes, helps with the block, tik-tok, tik-tok, single days running up the clock, walk the boardwalk and round the loch, till you pass metamorphosis rock everything shamrocks screaming poppycock. /umm rhyme RHYMES /  Means nothing sounds pretty just another faggot in new york city. 

The round ends and Shelton speaks directly in full voice.

Sorry I got distracted again, hello mic check, hello? Is this post pandemic brain on? the words i wanted to say to you, with you standing in as him. They swim in my mind, silver fish darting between the lines, JUMP JUMP JUMP into the open arms of the bare bear begging for BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Shelton speaks the next lines breathy and close to the microphone. 

Do sheep like being shorn 

Are they self conscious after hair cuts

Do they have a self to be conscious of. 

And if they do, 

Wait… Quickly… before i forget them. Before they forget me, before before before, can’t we just be before, with the future being, before too, a loop, just me and you, round and round and round, we re go. 

hello mic check, and a glass of merlot. 

SONIC CHANGE

My heart broke in your arms while you hugged me. Cracked down the center, a mile wide, divide everything, before and after, the gulf i Straddle binding my body back together with ropes spun from silk of my tears,  I will sit here, quietly in the shattered plains of my own desire, and hold open court, my kingdom laid bare, I will not hide and feast silently in the caves, I am a beggar with a princes feast, eating out under the elements, waiting for the masons, and light weavers, and dream scape makers, to encamp with me in  the wreckage of my mind. In time I will find, my own salvation OOOo a facebook notification 

I I I I I. will be present to my own pain. No hiding, no skipping the refrain. This time the cracks let the light in. this time, i won’t indulge myself the grief of sin. This time this time, maybe this I’ll be lucky, maybe this time he’ll stay. 

Anywhoozle... You get all that? You, yes you, the one listening to me. Hold it in your heart, and repeat after me. We are all worthy of love. Yes me, yes you, yes him. Yes the unvacced and the ones in masks, and the trees and the bees and ear worm wax. 

Breathe.  Wait, I wrote what I needed to write, right? 

Breathe.  Wait, I wrote what I needed to write, right? 

Breathe.  Wait, I wrote what I needed to write, right? 

I- 

Underscoring fades into silence

Play 1.3: Targeted Advertising (6:58)

Click of a button being pushed followed by a 2 beeps signaling recording start;

Mike: We’re probably heading into another lock down but there’s still time to feel ashamed about your butthole. Tushy: You’re the bad kind of dirty. 

Two brief recording tones followed by the sound of a reel rewinding. 

Play 4: Brokeboi ASMR Pt. 1: Bong Resin (7:11)

Greg: Brokeboi ASMR Pt. 1: Bong Resin  GO!

Greg (whispering): Hey everyone. I’m still waiting on next week’s paycheck and I’m running low on cash so I thought it’d be a cool idea to just stay inside, bum around, and take part in some money saving brokeboi activities.

I can’t throw $40 on an eighth right now, so the first thing we’re going to be doing is scraping, and then smoking of all my bong resin.

My chosen method of weed consumption is the bong. So today, I'm gonna be focusing solely on bong resin.

Now, the first thing you’re gonna need is a bong. Preferably one with stupid amounts of resin, so that we may bear more of that precious gooey, black nectar. We’re also gonna need a lighter.

Most brokebois like myself prefer to just raw down the empty bong and let the butane do all the work, like so:

Sound of Greg hitting the bong, sounds of whistling and crackling. Exhalation.

But today we’ll be taking a more calculated approach, like the rational, sophisticated resin smokers we are.

Now, what you’re going to want to do is take the bowl of your apparatus, and a lighter, and light the inside of that bad boy until it gets nice and hot.

Sounds of lighter flicking and resin bubbling.

Next, you’re going to want to take a paperclip, or a bobby pin, and just push all the resin on the blow to the very bottom of the bowl.

Sounds of resin scraping.

Careful not to push it too far into the down stem.

Next, for maximum resin goodness, we’re gonna need to scrape the down stem, to take that paperclip and just scrape it in a circular motion. Be firm, but not too rough. You don’t want to break your downstem and waste your efforts. 

More resin scraping.

Once you’ve got a sufficient amount of stem resin on your scraping tool of choice, get another scraping tool to slide it into the bowl to avoid getting resin on your fingertips. And there we are

Sounds of scraping.

Deep inhale followed by 12 seconds of coughing.

Absolutely disgusting. But times are rough. And I managed to get dummy faded.  

Play 1.4: Targeted Advertising (10:23)

Click of a button being pushed followed by a 2 beeps signaling recording start;

Mike: Hey. Um. You don’t have to listen to this if you don’t want to. Really. It’s fine. But. I mean I guess you already are. So. Uh. Just wanted to remind you that Clif Bars are always available. And always adequate. If you’re hungry. That’s all, sorry for bothering you. Oh, it’s Clif Bars. I already said that. Fuck.

Two brief recording tones followed by the sound of a reel rewinding. 

Play 5: Imaginary montage … (10:45)

Rob: Imaginary montage from Untitled Apocalypse Movie Project (version 2.0). GO!

Warping and crashing sounds over wind across a barren wasteland.  

Greg: What will we eat?

Shelton: Whatever we can find.

A strong wind gust 

Mike: Where did the one I loved go?

Rob: I am the one you will learn to love.

Reverberating low tone starts

Greg:  I am so hungry.

Shelton: Give us your food!

Mike & Rob: No!

Electronic warping as echoing tones collide

Mike: We have no food. Just this cart full of cans and bags.

Shelton: Then we will have to kill you.

Rob: And what, eat us?

Greg: Yes and eat you right up!

Shelton: That is a nice cart

Mike: What has this world come to?

Metal clangs

Rob: uuuuuuuuuuh!

Greg, Shelton, Mike: Ahhhhhh!

Metal twisting and warping    

Mike: I am terrified.

Rob: Be strong.

Brief metallic squall 

Greg: Have you seen the aliens-slash-infected-slash-fallout zone?

Mike: We have heard of such things, such things beyond the sea

Greg:  Beyond the 3rd mountain?

Rob: Yes. But we stay far far away from there.

Mike: We stick to the path. (almost whispering) Or near it.

Metallic Warping continues

Shelton: I can tell you a tale of the god, the newborn, cleanaire™, and the iced cream. The one-star that came down.

Reverberating low tone intensifies

Greg:  I am terrified.

Rob: Be strong!

Shimmering electronic tones

Shelton: And that is how we are here.

Mike: Really?

Shelton: Yeah, FreshBreather™ 

Rob: Hold me. I wish it weren’t so.

Greg:  Do you have a bandaid? My soul hurts, hurts like…oh, jeesahhh(exhales).

Shelton: He doesn’t look so good.

The sound of metal twisting and warping crescendos and fades to silence.

Play 1.5: Targeted Advertising (13:02)

Click of a button being pushed followed by a 2 beeps signaling recording start;

Mike: Have you ever wanted to listen to a play where one guy performs fake advertisements for brands he has strong feelings about? If you’re listening to this, you already have. Mike’s play- it’s over now. 

Two brief recording tones followed by the sound of a reel rewinding. 

Show Outro

Groovy electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Kyra: Welllllll, that was something, wasn't it? I’m Kyra Sims and Thanks for Hitting Play and then listening to Hit Play. 

Hit Play is in fact sponsored by “The Kyra Sims Fancy Cool Expensive Top Hat Company.”, where we make content, and do a business.

And next week the “The Kyra Sims Fancy Cool Expensive Top Hat Company” is bringing you an extra special episode of hit play, also brought to you by WNEO 85.4 The Bolt, and hosted by me, Kyra “Beef Time” Sims. 

If you liked what you heard, subscribe to the show, tell a friend, and leave a review on your listening app of choice! If you want to support the New York Neo-Futurists in other ways, consider making a donation at nynf.org, or by joining our Patreon - Patreon dot com slash NYNF. 

This episode featured work by:

Greg Lakhan, Rob Neill, Shelton Lindsay, and Mike Puckett. 

Our logo was designed by Gabriel Drozdov and our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean. 

Hit Play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean, Hilary Asare, and Shelton Lindsay. Y’all take care now.

Music fades out