Transcript

Show Intro

Ominous electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Michaela: Episode 63. Haunt Play.

Hello, I’m Michaela-- a New York Neo-Futurist. 

While we’re slowly bringing back our on-going, ever-changing, late-night show, The Infinite Wrench, we wanted to keep making art just for your ears. And so, Hit Play continues!

If you’re already a fan of The New York Neo-Futurists, or any of our sibling companies, hey! We can’t wait to see you all cute and masked up in our theater one again.

If this is totally new to you— welcome to it!

This episode consists of 6 plays and 1 wrench “Possession of the Host”, which, actually is activated NOW

crow cawing

suspenseful music begins playing

Michaela: (in auto tuned devil vocal) MWHAHAAHHAHAHAHA POSSESS THE HOST!!

Michaela coughs

We make art by four rules: We are who we are, we’re doing what we’re doing, we are where we are, and the time is now. 

Simply put: we tell stories, and those stories are our own. Everything that you hear is actually happening. 

So if I tell you that I found some spray sunscreen that I didn’t use all summer and I wanna use it right now-

spraying sound

I am actually using spray sunscreen that I didn’t use all summer, right now.

Some of the work in this episode may contain sensitive topics. For more specific content warnings, check the timecodes in the show notes.

All of the plays in this episode are about getting spooked, haunting and being haunted, and fear itself. Tis the season.

And now, Greg will run the numbers!

Greg: Hi, I’m Greg- a NY Neo-Futurist. In this episode we’re bringing you 6 new plays. 

This week’s cast is Mike, Michaela, me, Kyra, Anooj, and Robin.

That brings us to 273 audio experiments on Hit Play. Enjoy!

Music winds down.

Play 1: Ghost Facts* (play not sponsored by skittles) (2:21)

Mike: Ghost Facts* (play not sponsored by skittles).

Kyra: Before continuing with this play, please listen to the disclaimer at 19 minutes and 24 seconds. Go!

Mike: Ghost Fact: All ghosts love Skittles. In fact, they love Skittles so much that they choose to remain on Earth in order to continue eating them.

Michaela: Ghost Fact: Ghost teeth are covered in an ectoplasmic enamel, allowing them to consume Skittles in quantities that would melt living teeth in a matter of seconds.

Kyra: Ghost Fact: This is really more of a Skittles Fact, but Skittles aren’t allowed in the afterlife due to a centuries-long smear campaign orchestrated by Big Ambrosia.

Anooj: Ghost Fact: Ghosts are unable to open packs of Skittles on their own, which is why they gravitate toward sharp objects. Sadly, 90% of all murders attributed to ghosts are simply accidents caused by improper use of knives or scissors.

Greg: Ghost Fact: For this reason, ghosts are more likely to haunt homes where bags of Skittles are typically left open.

Mike: Regular Fact: I could go for some Skittles.

The crinkle of opening Skittles bag, pings of candies hitting a dish. The following lines are distorted by the sounds of the speakers chewing on Skittles as they talk .

Mike: Ghost Fact: Ghosts rank Skittle flavors based on how bright they are. A typical ghost’s Skittle tier-list would feature yellow at the top, followed by orange, green, red, and finally purple.

Michaela: Ghost Fact: Ghosts do not speak of M*nt (beeped out) Skittles. M*nt Skittles were actually invented for the sole purpose of killing ghosts by destroying their love for actual Skittles. The Skittles Company regrets their participation in this particularly bloody chapter of ghost history.

Kyra: Ghost Fact: If a ghost consumes one Skittle of every flavor ever made at the same time, they will ascend to the rank of Ghost King. This has never been achieved, as no ghost has ever had a large enough mouth to make the attempt. 

Anooj: Ghost Fact: By now it should be obvious why ghosts are so active on Halloween.

Greg: Ghost Fact: If you, the listener, go to the southern side of McCarren Park on Sunday, October 24th at 6:15 PM, you will see a ghost sitting on a bench. This ghost will be holding an empty cup and a bowl of Skittles. Do not speak to this ghost, as it only speaks Ghost. You may take one package of Skittles if you so choose. Please leave a Skittle for the ghost in the empty cup. Remember that yellow is their favorite.

Harp trills crescendo and cut out. 

Play 2: STAND BY (4:56)

Michaela:STAND BY. GO!

Walkie static; STAND BY

Michaela: What’s your favorite tv show?

Mike: Who’s the lead actor?

Greg: Who makes the show?

Walkie static; PICTURES UP

Michaela: Why do you like it so much?

Mike: Does it make you feel safe?

Greg: Who makes the show?

Walkie static; ROLLING

Michaela: How many hours of sleep is the minimum?

Mike: What is the hungriest you’ve ever been?

Greg: Have you ever worked a 16 hour day?

Michaela: How long can you hold it for?

Walkie static; CUT

Michaela: What do you call an environment that makes you forget your needs-

Mike: that contorts your body to its’ most extreme limits-

Greg: to the point you don’t recognize your own hands

Michaela: becoming the unfamiliar hollow you swore never to be again?

Walkie static; CHECKING

Michaela: I should have left when I recognized the patterns.

Mike: Why did you hang on for so long?

Greg: What is it about the environment?

Walkie static; PICTURE’S UP

Michaela: I should have stayed home the day after the hospital.

Mike: But you went in anyway

Greg: What is it about the environment?

Walkie static; ROLLING

Michaela: I should have said something when I went weeks without a break in a 10 hour shift.

Mike: But you let it be normal.

Greg: What is it about the environment?

Walkie static, CUT

Michaela: How does it feel to realize at least 52,000 people are as exhausted as you?

Mike: That over 98% of IATSE cardholders are choosing their health over their paychecks? 

Greg: That the shows that make you feel safe might finally be safe for those who make it?

Walkie static, starting off low and building higher in volume- When static volume peaks - sudden silence.

Michaela: It takes a long time to realize how toxic your workplace can be.

Walkie static; 

Mike: It takes a long time to stand up for what you deserve.

Walkie static; 

Greg: It takes a long time to dream of a Strike.

Michaela: and we will keep supporting each other and demanding our safety until we have it.

Walkie static; STAND BY.

Play 3: 15 Seconds of What the Ghost ...(6:35)

Anooj: 15 Seconds of What the Ghost in My Home Sounded Like After My Dog Passed. GO!

Household sounds for fifteen seconds, with noises of dog tags shaking 

Play 4: SIR GREGOLAS RADIO: WICKED SINNER (6:55)

Greg: SIR GREGOLAS RADIO: WICKED SINNER. GO!

Contemplative beat starts playing. Greg raps:

To whom this may concern

Life just started making major turns

Don’t really take too much time to pray

So hard to bring about a change with words

Fuck you doing up in heaven lounging?

Satan is so clearly still at work.

People’s faith in you is so astounding.

Faith is fleeting, that’s a lesson learned.

Never know what to say to God.

That’s the reason I don’t ever really pray to God.

I was making progress on my way to God.

All these hopes and wishes I was begging God.

So confused and angry started blaming God.

Whole life full of suffering I hated God.

“How the fuck you gonna keep a nigga waiting, God?”

So I got up off my ass and became a God and-

Not saying to betray your God,

I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be afraid of God 

He created you your DNA is God

Both your mind and body it contains a God

Imma fuck around and activate a God

Whole lifetime really just a day to God

Maybe one day we could all relate with God

Celebrate ourselves like we celebrating God

And there’s more than just the Christian God

I could fuck around and write a whole list of Gods

How we know if Christ even meant shit to God?

Seen the world that we would live in isn’t fit for God

Got a lot of shit that I would not admit to God

All these hypocrites are claiming they commit to God

When they just follow blindly and submit to God

How you know the white man ain’t invent your God?

Greg speaks:

Dear Lord,

I need money.

I need bitches.

I need an extension on my rent.

I need some gourmet food for my kitty.

Uh…

I need rehabilitation.

I’m not going to do anything to make these things happen.

So um, yeah.

In Jesus name we pray, amen my nigga.

Swag- and

Greg sings:

Obsidian 

Greg raps:

Never know what to say to God.

That’s the reason I don’t ever really pray to God.

I was making progress on my way to God.

All these hopes and wishes I was begging God.

So confused and angry started blaming God.

Whole life full of suffering I hated God.

“How the fuck you gonna keep a nigga waiting, God?”

So I got up off my ass and became a God

Play 5: Neo 1 and Neo 2 (8:51)

Computer automated voice: Neo 1 and Neo 2. GO!

light classical guitar 

Neo 1: Hi, I’m Anooj

Neo 2: And I’m Mike

Neo 1: When we write plays we often designate roles that could be played by anyone using the word “Neo” and then a number after it. For this play, I will be Neo 1

Neo 2: and I will be Neo 2 

Both: together we are doing a play 

Neo 2: ha ha! 

Neo 1: perhaps I’ll pick my nose and then ask Neo 2 to explain to me the secrets of the universe 

Neo 2: and if I know, I might respond.

Creepy whispers from Neo 3

Neo 1: Fantastic, thank you. 

Neo 2: Neo 1 is an incredible poet.

Neo 1: Neo 2 is a marvelous creative. 

Neo 2: Neo 1 once had [bleep] with [bleep]

Neo 1: Neo [bleep] had to stop [bleepy bleep bleep] for health reasons. 

Neo 2: Ha ha ha correct. Also, there are more than two Neos in this play 

Next line whispered intensely, overlapped with computer automated voice

Neo 1: There are more than two Neos in this play 

Neo 2: There’s always time for a sentence about life! 

Neo 1: Life it is! 

Neo 2: Life indeed! 

Neo 1: Life life life life life life life (continues for a while)

Computer automated voice: (over Neo 1) Sometimes when a person dies, air gets trapped in their abdomen, and when the body is moved or turned over, the air will escape, and the body will moan, or grunt, or groan. A last gasp of non-life. A final sonic bow before it all rots away.

Neo 2: Neo 1 is alive! 

Neo 1: I am alive! 

Neo 2: That’s rad. 

Neo 1: Uh-huh! Hey Neo 2, tell me a memory. 

Neo 2: WELL one time-

Cut to a bit of audio from the last horror movie Neo 2 saw. 

Neo 2: and that is the memory! 

Neo 1: I liked the bit where

Cut to Neo 1’s favorite bit of the horror movie audio. 

Neo 2: Me too! 

*music cuts out*

Neo 1: Do you ever think about dying?

Mike: Yes, all the time. I lost my father earlier this year in a particularly gruesome unexpected way. I don’t usually tell people because it’s the kind of story that could really ruin someone’s day. Even now I’m speaking as generally as possible for fear of inflicting a portion of my grief on anyone who’s listening. I always knew it would be hard to lose a parent but thought it would be a thing that I could probably grieve. When I consider it now, my knee jerk response is shame. 

*During this, Neo 3’s whispers will come back almost imperceptibly, only in the left ear*

Big pause after Neo 2 is done. Light classical guitar resumes

Neo 1: Hi, I’m Anooj

Neo 2: And I’m Mike

Neo 1: When we write plays we often designate roles that could be played by anyone using the word “Neo” and then a number after it. For this play, I will be Neo 1

Neo 2: and I will be Neo 2 

Both: together we are doing a play 

Neo 2: ha ha! 

Neo 1: perhaps I’ll pick my nose and then ask Neo 2 to explain to me the secrets of the universe 

Neo 2: and if I know, I might respond.

A void echoes. 

Computer automated voice: Neo 2 is-

A pause. 

Computer automated voice: Neo 2 is-

“Is” reverberates as echoing void returns and fades out.

Play 6: The Woman and the Popsicles (12:06)

Robin: The Woman and the Popsicles: a not-so fictional fictional investigative podcast within a podcast Season 2 episode 1. GO!

investigative podcast underscores throughout

Robin: Previously on: The Woman and the Popsicles: a not-so fictional fictional investigative podcast within a podcast Season 1:

[A QUICK edited recap with clips from ep one]

Robin: Dear listeners, we are back. Never had I dreamed of being able to record a season 2 of my ground-breaking investigative podcast, The Woman and the Popsicles: a not-so fictional fictional investigative podcast within a podcast. Back in 2020, I thought I’d hit a dead end. Not only that, I feared I would be stopped by some unknown power if I were to dig any deeper. 

But here we are, well over a year later. 

Listener, I will have you know, I myself was able to fly back home, to The Netherlands, in August of 2021. Now, I could bore you with the emotional significance of this trip. How I hadn’t been able to see my family in two years, how much had changed and how I had missed them so. I could tell you about the meaningful conversations I’ve had and dare I say, the level of unexpected and invaluable self-discovery I experienced. But this podcast isn’t about that nonsense. It is about me, and a box of popsicles. It is about me, and a product. 

Remember in season one, when I asked my mom, my sister and my aunt to look for them? 

A recording of Robin and her Aunt speaking Dutch 

That’s my aunt saying she had checked multiple stores and they were nowhere to be found. As you can imagine, I was ready for an uphill battle to say the least. Once I set foot in Europe, my approach became clear to me. It was deceptively simple, dear listener: I would go...to stores. And, well, look for them. I recorded myself every step of the way. Here is me, at my first attempt, in the supermarket near my mother’s house. 

A recording of Robin at the supermarket 

Robin: Alright, I am near the ice cream. I am seeing Magnums. I am seeing- I am seeing pear popsicles. GASP They’re here! They’re here! They're prominently displayed right in front of me. I’m opening- I’m opening the thingy. 

Robin: That’s right. I found them on attempt number one. Once home I opened them right away.

A recording of Robin opening and tasting the popsicles:

Robin: There are 8 of them in here. I am holding one individual popsicle. I’m just gonna take a bite. I’m not going to delay this any longer. Here we go. It’s really good! giggles It’s good! I don’t have anything else to say. I want to do a better job of explaining what this tastes like but I currently can’t. Wow! giggles This is good!

Robin: I know what is going through your mind. Had I been lied to back in 2020? Lied to by members of my own family. Or were the popsicles truly sold out at the time simply due to the novelty of the product? Or did something shift, perhaps politically, or potentially even cosmically which enabled me to interact with these frozen treats? Does it matter, dear listener?

Rarely does an investigative podcast have such a literally satisfying end. Maybe we should accept this rarity, and savor it. Thank you.

investigative podcast music fades out. Recording of Robin eating popsicle resumes

Robin: I will- I will say that i am towards the end of the popsicle and it’s still very good -uh- i do need to- I do need to say that I am allergic to milk and definitely a ton of milk in here and i am starting to get a little nauseous. Sigh that’s you know- that’s the game of life. Right? 

investigative podcast music returns for a brief coda and ends. 

Show Outro

Ominous electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Michaela: (in autotuned devil voice) Thanks for Hitting Play and then listening to Hit Play. The show is over now. 

**COUGH COUGH COUGH**

**CROW CALLING**

Michaela: (in regular voice) If you liked what you heard, subscribe to the show, tell a friend, and leave a review on your listening app of choice! If you want to support the New York Neo-Futurists in other ways, consider making a donation at nynf.org, or by joining our Patreon - Patreon dot com slash NYNF. 

This episode featured work by: Mike Puckett, Greg Lakhan, Kyra Sims, Anooj Bhandari, and Robin Virginie and me, Michaela Farrell.

Our logo was designed by Gabriel Drozdov and our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean & Kyra Sims. 

Hit Play is produced by Kyra Sims, Hilary Asare, and me Michaela Farrell.  

Take care and stay spooky!

Music fades out

*Michaela: Disclaimer: The ghost facts presented in this play as factual are not strictly facts as of the time of recording, however they do have the potential to become facts if we, future ghost-becomers, agree to make them so. Please return to play at 2 minutes and 31 seconds.