Thanks for Hitting Play and then listening to Hit Play. This episode: we’re coming to you LIVE from The Kraine Theater for all things VAMPS! 

If you like what you hear and want to support the New York Neo-Futurists, subscribe to the show, tell a friend, and leave a review on your listening app of choice. We’d love to hear from you- leave us a voicemail at ‪(646) 820-4733. If you want to support in other ways, consider making a donation at nynf.org, or joining our Patreon. And be our friend on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.

2:49 Neo Fan Fic 1: Vampire Romance novel by Michael John Improta

6:30 I might be a Vampire Interlude by Michaela Farrell 

6:50 BUFF TO BUFFY by Shelton Lindsay 

8:35 Viewampires Live: The Talk Show by Hilary Asare and Shelton Lindsay 

16:06 Iddy biddy beings or the vampires of december 2021 by Shelton Lindsay 

21:00 Knife Skills by Anthony Sertel Dean

28:03 10 sentences read in a Mid-Atlantic accent, with Foley sounds by Kyra Sims

Our logo was designed by Gabriel Drozdov

Our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean

Hit Play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean, Julia Melfi, and Michael John Improta. 

Take care!

Transcript:

Show Intro

Anthony: All right. Here we go. 

electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Michaela: Episode Seventy, The Vampires LIVE! Wooooooooooo! Hello! 

Hilary: I'm Hilary

Shelton: I'm Shelton

Kyra: I'm Kyra,

Michaela: I'm Michaela, and we are the New York Neo-Futurists. We are coming to you live from our home at the Kraine Theater in New York City. Well, not live to you listening to the podcast on Spotify or something, but live to you watching us on the internet right now.

All: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Michaela: And we are live with one another. Don't expect any edits, podcast audience,  

Anthony: you can expect some edits. 

Michaela: We're coming to you raw and sloppy because we are here as we are.  

Michael:  Hey, I'm here too. I'm in Puerto Rico, but I'm still live with you all on the web.  

All: Hi, Mike. 

Michael: Hey, y'all.  

Kyra: For you listening, If you're already a fan of the New York Neo-Futurists or any of our sibling companies? Hello. We cannot wait to be even more live with you than this, this live aliveness right now. If this is totally new to you. Welcome to it. We usually don't perform our podcast live. We make art by four rules. We are who we are. We're doing what we're doing. We are where we are. And the time is now. Simply put, we tell stories and those stories are our own. Everything you hear is actually happening.  

Hilary: So if we tell you that we're all able to twerk in sync because we're here live together, we're really able to twerk in sync! With the music, y'all. Nice and slow.  Yeah, Yeah! Beautiful. Beautiful. I think everyone did a great job. Thank y'all. All right. And thank you for being here. And thank you listeners for being with us in your own way. And now, Shelton, we'll run the numbers.  

Shelton: Hello. In this episode, we're bringing you seven new plays to this week's cast as Michael John Improta. Michaela Farrell, Kyra Sims and Hilary Asare, and me, Shelton Lindsay; with Julia Melfi on that producer beat and Anthony Sertel Dean in the booth. So that brings us to 312 audio experiments on Hit Play. Now please enjoy. Vampires LIVE. 

Music winds down. Thunder sounds

Play 1, pt 1: Neo Fan Fic 1: Vampire Romance Novel (2:49)

Michael: Neo Fan Fic 1: Vampire Romance. GO!

Michael: Hey, can we go ahead and bring in our audience volunteer, please? Hello. Hello. Would you like to introduce yourself for everybody, please? 

Audience Participant: Hi, I'm Max. 

Michael: Max! Awesome. Well, welcome to neo fanfic one vampire romance. Today, I'm going to be using your life and celebrity crush as a source material for a made up on the spot vampire romance novel scene, because I don't have enough time to write the whole book. I will have the remainder of this live stream to complete as much as I can. But first, as I have never done anything like this before, except for the pitch of this play, I figured I might as well look the part. So I'm going to go ahead and take off my contacts. That one didn't come out yet. There we go. One other one. There we go. And I'm gonna put on my very writer-y writer glasses. There we go. Now I am ready to ask you questions. First question: How do you feel about vampires? 

Audience Participant: Oh, who doesn't love a good vampire?

Michael: All right. Would you tell me about your first or maybe biggest or most notable celebrity crush?  

Audience Participant: Is, is it too much to say, like the entire fellowship of the ring?  

Michael: The entire fellowship of the Ring?  

Audience Participant: Yeah, we can. We can narrow that down. I definitely have-

Michael: Well, just tell me, yeah, tell me about a little bit of that and I can zoom.  

Audience Participant: Yeah. So I'm obviously of the age where the Lord of the Rings generation movies came out, and were very influential on me and my friends. And yeah, I don't know. I think maybe it's a function of being, you know, short and curly haired and loving food, but I always had a soft spot for hobbits. Yeah. those hobbits 

Michael: mmmm Love that. OK. So would you say that Frodo, Sam or one of the The Tricksters is your favorite? 

Audience Participant: Well, I did always have a special soft spot for Pippin 

Michael: Pippin!

Audience Participant: the goofy, the goofiest one, the one with a Scottish accent. I mean, my friend Vicki always used that bond, particularly over our love of Pippin. 

Michael: OK, what do you- what do you think you would say if you met that actor in person? 

Audience Participant: Probably something embarrassing. I think I might be like, hiiiiiii

Michael: All right. All right. I think I think that's. Probably enough for me to-  to give this a go. Thank you so much. Can we bring in the NEOs again real quick as well? Would you all give me a location if you could?  

Rest of cast makes unintelligible noise

Shelton: Oh, No, no, we need to give a location first! Location, 

Kyra: San Francisco!

Shelton: On the set of The Matrix four

Rest of cast shouts unintelligible locations   

Michael: I'm going to go with San Francisco. 

Shelton: Yeah. Makes more sense  

Audience Participant: Thanks.  

Michael: Max, we're going to send you off now and then when you come back at the end of this live stream, I will read to you what I got. 

Audience Participant: Can't wait, wait. 

Michael: Thanks so much. 

Play 2a: I might be a Vampire Interlude (6:30)

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO, 

Michael: My name is Michael and

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOODLE OO DOO

Michael: I might be a vampire because

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Michael: I enjoy neck biting *wink*

ALL NEOS: DOO DOO DOO DOO

Play 3: BUFF TO BUFFY (6:50)

Hilary: BUFF TO BUFFY. GO!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Theme Song underscores

Shelton: I worked out for the first half of COVID to Buffy like every day, just like I am now lifting these here full buckets of water.  

Hilary: How was it? 

Shelton: It was cool. 

Hilary: Did you get BUFF? 

Shelton: Not really. 

Hilary:  Did you feel BUFF?

Shelton: also no

Hilary: Why do you want to be buff? 

Shelton:Because muffled- muscles are hot? Also, what if zombies? 

Hilary: You mean anti-vax, gun owning Republicans? 

Shelton: Yeah, what if  mindless zombies attack me?

Hilary:  I have no idea what would happen. 

Shelton: Me neither, but I really hope it would become a musical  [00:07:27][2.9]

Hilary: Once more with feeling is your favorite episode.

Shelton: Yeah, it is. 

Hilary: Mine is Restless.

Shelton: Why is that? 

Hilary: I love the performances and the dream symbolism. 

Shelton: Also, my arms are tired now because I worked out yesterday. 

Hilary: I wish you luck on your journey. May you one day be as buff as Riley Finn or Mike Improta. 

Michael: Awww Guys!

Shelton: You're an inspiration, Mike. Just like Buffy or Willow or, frankly, even Giles, they're also coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool. 

Underscore ends

Play 2b: I might be a Vampire Interlude (8:15)

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO,

Michaela: My name is Michaela and

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOODLE OO DOO

Michaela: I might be a vampire because

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Michaela: I like to pick my scabs and then suck the blood that comes out of them.

ALL NEOS: DOO DOO DOO DOO

Play 4: Viewampires Live: The Talk Show (8:35)

Julia: Vampires-  Viewampires Live: The Talk Show. GO! 

When their descriptor is read, the Neo strikes a pose for the live stream. Talk show theme underscores.

Julia: They are easily distracted. Someone who just learned how to use a sewing machine. A TV watching procrastinator. And a recent Lego obsessed homosexual.  

Underscore ends

Hilary: And it all starts now. This is Viewampires Live, a roundtable debate for our varied views on vampires verifiable and variously vacuous. Let's vamos. Vampire news is up first, my gothy brethren. Time for a Hot Topic!

Kyra: Hot Topic is currently running a 50 percent off sale and has restocked their only stores with Billie Eilish merchandise. 

Shelton: She could be a Vampire!

Hilary: Vampire vampires are not real.  

Kyra:  When it was publicly traded on the Nasdaq hot topic at the ticker symbol H.O.T.T.  

All: HOT!

Michaela: Oooo. Anne Rice was just laid to rest, and if her burial follows that of Vampire of Lugano, a 10 year old boy buried in Roman times who died of malaria, they would have shoved a stone in her mouth to stop her from coming back to life. 

All: LIIIIIFE!

Shelton: Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox, not to be confused with Megan Thee Stallion or Megan Griffin, recently got engaged and celebrated by drinking each other's blood and gifting each other vials of blood to wear around their necks 

Michaela: Trend alert! Angelina and Billy, Bob, Pamela and Tommy Lee, Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese have also done similar things.  

Kyra: Stars, they're just like us, kind of. Has anyone intentionally drank their lover's blood? I mean, Hilary, you just got engaged. Did you jump on that trend?  

Crickets… 

(note from Hilary: no, reader, not I did not jump on that trend.)

Hilary: And finally, the Marvel movie Blade will be a part of the MCU phase four. Yassssssss, more Mahershala Ali and now a word from our sponsor.  

Talk show theme underscores.

Julia: We don't have a sponsor, if you'd like to sponsor us. You can reach out to me and we will make that happen. 

Underscore ends

Hilary: And we're back up next, it's vampire or victim. Today, Joss fucking Whedon, the late 90s and early aughts king of pop culture feminism has fallen in esteem. Many tales of on set cruelty, racism, and inappropriate relations with actresses throughout his career have come to light. This week, Whedon responded to the accusations for the first time in years through a New York Magazine profile piece. Mostly, he denies or doesn't remember things the way those speaking up did. So Neos, What do you think? Is Joss Whedon a vampire or a victim? 

Kyra: Oh, total vampire. I think we can agree here. This is just a full on devious piece of shit, and I- I would say, you know, the work I've seen by him is great, but I would rather live in a world without his work and have people who weren't abused, you know? 

Michaela: Mm hmm. I'd say I'd say he's- he's worse than a vampire, you know? You know, I wouldn't I wouldn't place him with Angel. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't put him even worse, he's- he's terrible. He's a serial abuser. He's really done this to a lot of people. It's absolutely awful. 

Shelton: I would also say he's a vampire, and I went to a party last night where someone tried to defend him and they ended it. Oh, no. You know, it's not like his work is even that well known. He just did a TV show in the 90s and I was like, What are you like? I'm not kidding. Wow, and it was like you also did the Avengers franchise like they allowed him to helm both MCU and Leg and DC like projects of huge capacity, like they put a huge amount of stock in this guy. Yeah, fuck him for having so much access to being able to make new movies and still be an abuser.  

Kyra: Yeah, honestly, up until this point feels like he's- his abuse has been validated because they've been giving him multi-million dollar projects all the time and it needs to stop.  

Hilary: Well, you know, the only time there was like, prolonged public discussion of how terrible he was to work with was when he had made a bad movie. It was after Justice League- 

Shelton: Yeah when that started tanking-

Hilary: right after that movie tanked. And then- then people aren’t OK with how crappy he is. 

Kyra: But before then they just wanted their art, I guess. 

Hilary: Well, they were protecting their bottom line, right? And you shut the rumors down when it's hurting your bottom line. 

Kyra: Yeah. Shit. 

Shelton: I stand with Ray Fisher. Yeah. 

Hilary: Yeah, yeah. OK, so that's enough on him. We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor.  

Talk show theme underscores.

Julia:  Hello again. Again, we do not have a sponsor, but we do have a great pitch deck. You can email us at hitplay@nynf.org and Anthony and I will send it to you. 

Underscore ends

Hilary: And we're back with vampires advocate where we answer a question from the audience and take the time to answer your question twice- with and without fangs. Julia, what does the chat want to know? 

Julia:  Let's see here. Let's find out.  

Hilary: Come on, ask us a questions.  

Shelton: We all have so many opinions.  

Julia: So, yeah, throw a question in the chat and we can make it happen.  

Hilary: Throw a question in the chat. 

Julia: What do you see when you look in the mirror?  

Shelton: Oh, OK. This is yeah. Sometimes looking in the mirror is a little hard for me or weird for me. I don't feel like I have the best memory of what my own face looks like, and it changes so often, either given how I style my hair like the length of my beard at any given moment that sometimes it is like genuinely a surprise. The person who's looking back and was actually quite nice yesterday elected the me and I was like, Oh, he's cute. Like I would, I would do him, which is good. Though one time when I was younger, I looked in a mirror that was like, you know, actually just a shopfront window, but like reflective with a friend walking down the street and I looked at my friend. I was like, “That guy has terrible fashion”. My friend looked at me like, “Shelton, that is you”. And that, that was an interesting moment.

Kyra: (Speaking while making vamp fangs with her fingers and doing a dracula accent)

Well, just play vampire’s advocate. What you see in the mirror is not what the world sees, and I think you're always beautiful. 

Shelton: Awww thank you, vampire’s advocate- nicest vampire I've ever met

Hilary: And that's all the time we have for today, folks. Dead and undead. Thanks for listening. And here's a final word from our council.  

Rob: Do you love art? Do you want to fight against the rising tide of darkness, which is a lack of arts funding? Do you want to stake a claim in a small, downtown experimental theater where the sun sets on the needs of our company's board like new members? We're all potentials. Join the fight! For more information, email info@nynf.org. Join the fight!  

Play 2c: I might be a Vampire Interlude (15:47)

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO,

Hilary: My name is Hilary and 

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOODLE OO DOO

Hilary: I might be a vampire because

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Hilary: I wait for plainly stated invitations before entering someone’s house.

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO

Play 5: Iddy biddy beings …  (16:06)

Hilary: Iddy biddy beings or the vampires of december 2021. GO!

Sound of shelton scratching his skin.

Shelton: I can feel them. Wandering the canvas of my skin. 

Michaela: What are they doing?

Shelton: hunting

Michaela: hunting for what

Shelton: my blood. 

Michaela: your blood. 

Shelton: blood. 

Sound of scratching. 

Kyra: Crabs also known as pubic lice,  are small parasites that feed on human blood.

Shelton: it would have been more exciting if I was being fed on by a vampire. 

Michaela: I think vampires are awesome and I wish they were real. 

Shelton: hard same. 

Michael: RIP ANNE RICE!

Shelton/Michaela: Ughh RIP INDEED. 

Michael: Do you think Anne Rice ever had crabs…

Shelton: Ummm (pause & single scratch) No. 

Sound of scratching. 

Kyra: Millions of people are infected with public lice every year.

Michaela: I have not had them. 

Michael: I had them. 

Shelton: OOOOO HOT GOSS Mike recently got crabs, collecting them after this play was written. How exciting! Mike, where’d you get them?

Michael: I still don’t know how I got them! 

Shelton: Did you name the crabs you had Michael?

Michael: I did not name them but I cursed them. 

Shelton: Oooo interesting choice. Somehow I feel like this is my fault- thatI wrote this play and then gave you crabs so we would have something to talk about. This was not my intention. 

Michael: Well, I don’t blame you, but absolutely thought of you immediately.

Shelton: So sweet

Hilary: Hiiiiii  just popping in here to say that I have not had crabs

All: ooooooo

Hilary: However I love a crab cake. 

Neos: (sound of agreement if they do) 

Hilary: but the shell cracking and digging and sucking is not for me

Shelton: I probably got them from the sucking. 

Hilary: Shelton. 

Shelton: well I’ve never had crabs, the std, before this december. 

Kyra: They’re usually found on the pubic hair, but can also be found on other parts of the body where a person has coarse hair (such as armpits, eyelashes, and facial hair).

Shelton: in my mullet, 

Michaela: YOUR MULLET

Shelton: oh yeah. This hair cut is trashier than I ever intended it was literally infested

Michaela: INFESTED

Shelton: infested with bugs. 

Michael: That's gross. 

Hilary: not as gross as popping a zit on someone’s butt and licking the pus

Neos: (sound of disgust/agreement) 

Sound of scratching. 

Kyra: a group of crabs is called a cast. 

Michael: we’re a cast

Michaela: I would not cast a crab if they auditioned for this company. 

Sound of scratching. 

Kyra: ​​a lotion containing 1% permethrin or a mousse containing pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxide can be used to kill crabs. 

Shelton: Yeah I bathed in that. 

Hilary: How was it?

Shelton: not fun. 

Michaela: and a little birdy... Well your the birdy told me you shaved your pubes

Shelton: Yep all of them.  

Michael: How was that? 

Shelton: my genitals look like chicken skin…. It is… not attractive. I heard you didn’t shave your pubes Michael!

Michael: I didn’t need to but I got rid of them anyways

Shelton: Well I’m not going to show you my pubes, they’ve grown back. 

Kyra: (as fast as they can)  This information is not meant to be used for self-diagnosis or as a substitute for consultation with a health care provider. If you have any questions about the parasites described above or think that you may have a parasitic infection, consult a health care provider. (regular speed) Did you consult a healthcare provider shelton… did you… did you… 

Shelton: ummmmmmmm nooooooo……

Play 2d: I might be a Vampire Interlude (19:31)

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO,

Shleton: My name is Shelton and

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOODLE OO DOO

Shleton: I might be a vampire because

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Shleton: I am pretty sure if someone stabbed me in the heart with a stake I would die

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO

Kyra: Ten sentences-what?

Anthony: Wait wait wait wait wait

Anthony runs to the stage  

Kyra: uhoh

Anthony: It’s gonna be great. It's a live show. So none of you knew that this was happening! It’s a surprise!

Kyra: Oh my God. Oh God. 

Anthony: This is a live episode. Watch out because I have a knife! 

Rest of cast makes unintelligible noises as Anthony sets the stage for their surprise play. Gasps and running. Shelton pushes Hilary forward and volunteers her as tribute

Hilary: OK, I didn't volunteer, but this is happening. OK, Toni’s got a knife. Do you want anyone to call your play or we just should we just watch? 

Anthony: OK. I got this. OK? I'm calling this Knife Skills. Wow. That's why I’ve got the knife. OK, well, I'm nervous,  

Kyra: It’s okay  

Shelton:  You're not going to stab anyone.  

Anthony: No, it's not a stake. It's vampire time. OK, garlic.

Play 6: Knife Skills (21:00)

Anthony: Ok, Knife Skills. GO!

Anthony chops a head of garlic as they speak. First, they take out bulb of garlic and cutting board

Garlic - a vampire’s least favorite food and something I always add +2 to in any recipe. 

Now, let’s prep some garlic.

Crush garlic bulb in hand

My first full-time job out of college was as a pastry chef. Not much garlic prep in those sweets, but you get the idea - food, and detail with food are important to me… and I needed to fit the vampire theme, so garlic. Now most times I’m using garlic in my cooking, I want it minced. “Mince”, like many fancy cookery words, come from French, this case mincier "make into small pieces," Smaller than julienne, smaller than brunoise: french, french, all small. 

Now, my first step is the crush and peel.

Take out knife and begin to crush and peel

I learned all this french when years ago, my mother and I attended a knife skills workshop together. Learned the proper way to use a chef’s knife - pinch grip - learned the proper way to trim, cut, prep veg - get everything in place, get everything clean, get everything right. Now, I’ve been cooking with my mother for most of my life, and food was never meant to be perfect. Connecting and culturally significant, yes, but at the end of the day, it was meant to be food - that thing that you put in your mouth that makes you smile when you bite down. How I used a knife to get there didn’t really seem like the point.  

Okay, so that pinch grip: thumb and curled index finger on the blade. Slice the garlic

But with this new knowledge, the expertise gained, there is a sort of precision I now almost demand for myself in cooking. Getting the cut just right, in this case of garlic, getting the slices thin, and slicing thin quickly, doing it right - or at least what we were told is right, what I now know as right as the same as why I know that crushing and chopping garlic in this way breaks the plant cells of the garlic activating the sulfuric compounds and how cooking initiates the maillard reaction, and all these other food-scholarly, more french sounding things that just tell us that yum! it’s good in the mouth. I mean, garlic is one of humans’ oldest crops and has been cultivated in the middle east for millenia, so that means me, my mom, and our ancestors knew how to make and do that garlic right long before we were told how sulfenic acid reacts to these different french cuts. 

I wonder how we learn technique, how detail is carried through generations without dulling, how we pass down culture, knowledge, and the precision required to truly know it - keep it sharp. 

Fine chop

And hell, I like this sort of embodied precision: keeps my food intentional. Over a year ago I asked the Neo-Futurist group chat if people thought knife skills are sexy. It was a unanimous “yes”. For me, there’s a sort of control in it. And knowing that I’ll do it right, with respect. Do it right for me and for those I am sharing this food with - those eating now, and those who passed it down. Michaela, Kyra, you said in that group chat that knife skills are sexy; what about them? 

Michaela: Oh my god. Well, I can start this off. I think- I think, Tony, you handle things with a strong arm of care that is beyond what I've seen from anyone else. And it's- it's really sexy and special. And I also think that you are talented beyond belief and your knowledge is like this beautiful waterfall and when I think of you I smile.  

Kyra: I think I liken good knife skills to good musicianship because it really is a tightrope act of skill and danger, more literal danger with knives than with music, for sure. But it does. Yeah, it takes a practiced hand, it takes concentration and it takes knowledge and just experience. And I think that's why I find it sexy because I also think good musicians are sexy.  

Anthony:  Yeah, I agree. Yeah, it's precision preparation, knowing where that care goes and knowing why it's special. Yeah, that's a good combination. Yeah. And I want to pass that on the food, obviously, but also the skills to make it to love yourself and love your food. Yes. Yeah. In a way that you can respect. And yeah, always remember that the most precarious knife is a dull knife. Yes. Stay sharp. 

Play 2e: I might be a Vampire Interlude (27:05)

Anthony: DOODLE DOO,

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Anthony: Oh no! I don’t have a DOODLE DOO

Michaela:  Take a Second. We'll do it right!

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Anthony: Hi, my name's Anthony and

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOODLE OO DOO

Anthony: I might be a vampire because

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Anthony: I take- I take an iron supplement and there's iron in blood.  

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO

Applause and cheering for Anthony

Anthony: I'm going to leave this garlic here.

Kyra: Ten sentences, read and a mid-Atlantic accent with Foley! Souuuuuuunnds…. 

Kyra sings 

Kyra: I forgot that Toni has to start a sound cue. So i’m gonna read the title againnnnn

Hilary: Ohhh Vamp vamp

Michaela: It smells like garlic in here just so everyone knows it is very beautiful and garlicky. 

Play 7: 10 sentences read… (28:03)

Kyra: 10 sentences read in a Mid-Atlantic accent, with Foley sounds. GO!

Radio drama underscore.

Neo 1: One

Neo 2: Oh, Harold, when I’m with you, I hear birds all around 

Foley Neos: bird whistle

Neo 1: Two

Neo 3: Martha, I love you. My heart beats like a drum when you’re in my arms 

Foley Neos: hand drums 

Neo 1: Three

Neo 2: Will we be together forever, Harold, are there wedding bells in our future?

Foley Neos: Singing bowl

Neo 1: Four

Neo 3: Yes, Martha. Forever. But only if we can make it out of this haunted house alive. 

Foley Neos: ghost noises (voices, scrapers, egg shakers)

Neo 1: Five

Neo 2: And past the wolves outside!

Foley Neos: wolf howl (horn)

Neo 1: Six

Neo 3: Quick, up the stairs! 

Foley Neos: stomp stomp stomp

Neo 1: Seven

Neo 2: Oh Harold, there are skeletons up here! 

Foley Neos: shake bag of rhythm sticks

Neo 1: Eight 

Neo 3: Back down, Martha, back down! 

Foley Neos: stomp stomp stomp 

Neo 1: Nine

Neo 2: Harold, whatever shall we do? There’s a vampire at the front door! 

Foley Neos: vampire sounds

Neo 1: Ten

Neo 3: Oh, fuck this 

Foley Neos: Punching sound (fist into hand), [SQ STOPS HERE], vampire groaning in pain, door creaking open , then slamming shut, footsteps retreating 

Beat.

Foley Neos: some wind sounds, perhaps one more wolf howl on the horn

Play 2f: I might be a Vampire Interlude (30:17)

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO,

Kyra: My name is Kyra and

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOODLE OO DOO

Kyra: I might be a vampire because

ALL NEOS: DOODLE DOO

Kyra:  I own a cape

ALL NEOS: DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO

Play 1, pt 2: Neo Fan Fic 1: Vampire Romance Novel (30:35)

Michael: Ahhhhhhhh! Oh, wow, that was not nearly enough time. OK. All right. So this is a little tough because we were mixing some fiction with some real life. But let's go ahead and read this. Are you ready to hear what I wrote?

Audience Participant: Oh my god, couldn’t be readier. 

Michael: OK. Neo fanfic one vampire romance. They say that when your moments from your death, your whole life flashes before your eyes. For me, it wasn't my whole life. Just moments. One moment in particular. I was backstage of a rock and roll show by a band I'd never heard of bee cake. My friend Mike dragged me to it because I was down and sad on a rainy night. San Francisco sucks. It's just wet all the time, and the sun never shines enough. Well, we had backstage passes, which meant we would get to meet the band after the show. I stood there sipping on my complimentary glass of vodka soda, and two stepping to the city rock music. I heard on stage and then the guitarist looked over at me and I guess it felt like the floor had dropped out from underneath me. I knew that smile. I had thought of it hundreds of times before Billy Boyd- Pippin. Thanks, Mike. These passes were just what I needed. Later that night, Billy entered the room backstage and flashed a smile at me. I could see one long pointed fang slip out from under his top lip, and I said, “Wow, you're wearing shoes. I thought you would be shorter and barefoot.” Not exactly how I imagined our meeting to go. He came and sat next to me, turned to me and blew a cloud of smoke that enveloped me. Long bottom leaf- It must be. The next words echoed in my consciousness. “Give me your hand!” I was compelled. I rose my left hand to his lips. He placed on my ring finger a small golden ring and smiled. And then I felt his teeth dragging down my hand until they landed on my wrist. I closed my eyes, and that's when the leaf took hold. I opened them again and I was there on the slopes of Mount Doom with Billy- No, Pippin! It didn't matter anymore. We were there and he had my wrist in his mouth. Slowly, he bit down and I felt the skin puncture. My blood began to flow. I felt a touch on my right then- it was Legolas! He took my right arm, “I have your wrist,” he said, and began to drain that wrist just the same. And then I felt a rough weathered hand with strong calluses used to handling swords on my neck- they tilted my head back where I felt a whisper say, “and my neck,” and then another set of hands set to work there. It was the fellowship. I was the ring. And together we would chase away the light. More and more sets of teeth punctured my skin, and I knew that that I was what would sustain them until they cast me deep into the fires of Mt. Doom. 

Hilary: Woooooooooooow. Yes. Thank you.  

Michael: Now that's our show!  

Shelton: When does the full book come out? 

Kyra: Wow.  

Michael: ummmmmmm It'll come out next year.  

Michaela: Okay. Oh my gosh.  

Show Outro

electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Michael: Hold on. I'm pulling up the script. Thanks for hitting play and then listening to hit play.If you liked what you heard, subscribe to the show, tell a friend, and leave a review on your listening app of choice! If you want to support the New York Neo-Futurists in other ways, consider making a donation at nynf.org, or by joining our Patreon: Patreon.com/NYNF. 

This episode featured work by Michael John Improta, Michaela Farrell, Shelton Lindsay, Hilary Asare, Kyra Sims, Julia Melfi and Anthony Sertel Dean. Our logo was designed by Gabriel Drozdov.

Anthony: come on live sound issues.  

Michael: Our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean. The hit play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean, Julia Melfi and me, Michael John Improta. Take care  

Cast: Bye! Thank you!!!

Shelton:  Okay now Michael, can you read that last line one more time for us? 

Music winds down. Thunder sounds